Thursday, August 07, 2008

Letter of Filipina Desaparecida's Daughter: CRY OUT FOR JUSTICE!




LETTER OF THE DAUGHTER OF LUISA POSA DOMINADO, forcibly disappeared Filipina Activist



Dear Nanay,

On August 10, you’ll be 53 already. I really wish you’ll be there when we celebrate it. I’ve missed you so much, everyday and always. And I guess everyone else has, too.

It’s been hard not having you around. Manang has been a pain in the ass as always but she’s trying.

I’ve been living in a dorm for the past 2 months now. It’s been stressful and depressing living there. Some of my high school classmates are staying there too. I get home sick every now and then because I don’t like that place. I don’t know why.

You know this one time; I really got sick because I cried for almost the whole night. Crying makes me weak, I guess. You see, that night, my classmate got home sick and she cried because she missed her mom. And I guess that’s what triggered my fits of crying. You see, I won’t easily admit it and I sometimes forget it, but deep down inside, I miss you so much. I’ve missed you since the day you never came back. I try my best not to talk about you because just a mere memory could bring me on the verge of tears.

I remembered when I first cried in the dorm. We were having our group dynamics and were talking about our lives and problems. When it came to be my turn, I thought I could handle it and they urged me to let out because they said it would lessen the pain, so I talked about you and my life, but it only managed to make me cry and make my head ache for the whole night. Sometimes I wonder if the pain will ever go away.

The last time I cried it was during the first time I went to a cheering practice for the Elektrons. It was my first time to be in the workshop and I had to do it alone because I was late. I guess they weren’t that hard on me like they were on the others. I just had to act three times. It was a nightmare because I couldn’t keep myself from smiling. But on the last scene they turned out the lights. Then they told me to act like a mother begging for food and money to feed her child. I didn’t know what to do so I knelt and acted but I still kept on smiling. And I guess they wanted to piss me off to stop me from smiling so they threw bad comments at me. They were all talking at the same time and I don’t know how I heard this question, but I heard it loud and clear over the other comments. Someone said, “Where’s your mom?” and thinking that it was just gonna be a part of my acting I replied, “She’s dead…” and it took sometime for me to take in those words. I said a whole lot more but then I stopped mid-sentence. The whole weight of what I said bore down on me. It felt like the darkness was squeezing me, seeping into every bit of my humanity, waiting for me to fall off the brink, and then, I cried. And I guess the people around me didn’t understand why I cried. They don’t know. I guess they thought they were a bit rough on me so they were a lot nicer to me after that incident. And somehow it made me laugh a bit. Some of my friends were there to comfort me, too. I wouldn’t have stopped crying if they weren’t there.

And you know what, nay? Remember when I said that I got sick? My friends took care of me that day and I got a lot better in no time. And being around people takes my mind off the sadness. I guess that’s why I’m a bit monophobic now. I get depressed when I’m alone.

What I’m trying to say is, on your birthday, or any other day, nay, you don’t need to worry about me, about us. All you need to do is to worry about yourself and take care, wherever you are. Because I (us, those who you care for) am surrounded by people who care and will help in any way they can. They can make me laugh until my tummy hurts and they’re also crazy just like me.

And as I finish this letter addressed supposedly to you, but will never reach you, I guess, I would like to write these lyrics from a song I heard.

“I’ve lost any chance for me to say,
To say that I miss you,
Say that I love you,
Will someone please tell me I’m OK?...”

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